After Monday's discussion in class on ethics, I've been thinking about my own ethics more than I ever have before, trying to get a grip on what drives me to live my life the way I do. As much as I'd like to say that I have one concrete reason meticulously written out, I don't. I don't even know how to begin to word it, so this might be a mess.
I'd say that I live my life in a very Utilitarian sense. I have a tendency to make decisions solely on the fact that they'll do the most good/benefit the most people. I think my reasoning for this is mainly because I want my moms to think I'm a good person. we've been through a lot throughout my life and they've made a lot of sacrifices for me, so I do my best to make them proud/happy with everything I do. It's definitely a driving force in my life. the other reason I try to do the most good is because I'm a relatively empathetic person. I don't like to see others suffering because I relate it to times that I've suffered and I don't wish that experience on anyone.
A year ago, if I were to die, I would've been completely content with the life I had lived. By my standards, it would've been ethical and I would've felt as if i did all I could. However, the stakes are a lot higher now, and I think my mindset is in a completely different place. I now feel that in order to live a moral life, I need to make sure that I do everything that I can for my daughter. Her presence has changed my outlook on life entirely in the sense that I now look at things that I wouldn't have even questioned before. For example, if Ryan were in a significant amount of danger or there was a situation where I had reached utter desperation, there are things that are considered universal wrongs, that I'd do without hesitation if it meant keeping her safe/protecting her character. I feel like my moral purpose is to now do what i can to make the world one where Ryan can life to it's fullest potential, without needing to worry about moral depravity. My life will not be lived until I know I've given her enough tools to live her own moral life. My biggest fear is that I'll die before I can do this for her or that by the time my life has ended, I will have not done enough for her. She's the sole purpose behind my moral compass.
I feel like I should also note that if anything, having a child has just exaggerated my need to do things to make my parent's happy/proud. my whole life, I've wanted to be successful so that I could look back and know that everything my parents have done for me hasn't been for nothing. When I became pregnant, despite my parents' unconditional support, part of me felt like a complete failure because of the stigma attached to teen pregnancy. To me, it had meant that I had taken everything I had worked towards and made it insignificant. I felt like I had to try even harder to make sure that I wouldn't let all of my past accomplishments be for nothing. This is why I focused so hard on school this past year. A few people have talked to me about my focus on coming back to school so soon and maintaining my grades as if it was this impressive thing, but I don't see it that way. I came back to school early and kept on top of things because to me that was the right thing to do. If i were to have handled the situation any differently, in my eyes it wouldn't have held up and it wouldn't have been ethical. I had to do what I felt would be best in terms of keeping everyone close to me proud, even though I know they would never lose that pride regardless.
This post is so fascinating. First, I would like to say that the way you balanced pregnancy/early motherhood and your academic life is absolutely impressive. It shows serious strength and dedication, and it honestly makes me respect you so much more to hear that, for you, it was just the right thing to do. You are so strong, and I am seriously in awe. I think it's really interesting that you do a lot of what you do to make your parents proud. I can definitely relate to that; when you're the child of really great parents, it feels like any small mistake is a personal failure, as if you haven't lived up to the immense gifts that your parents have given you. I also really like what you say about not feeling fulfilled until you feel that you've given your daughter all you can. Do you think that that need to provide for her will ever end? Or is it a lifelong driving force? This is a really interesting and deep post, and I loved reading it! Thank you for always being so honest about your experiences.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like your mom's did a good job with shaping your ethics and character, as I'm sure you will do for your daughter. I don't know about other people, but how you've managed, with your daughter and school, etc has greatly changed my view on teen pregnancy. It actually makes me ashamed for thinking what I did before. You seem to be doing well with everything, and I applaud your dedication to your daughter, moms, and grades. What you've accomplished, and continue to maintain, could not have been easy, and I agree with Olivia, it shows great strength. Your ethics now are based on doing what you can to make your moms and daughter happy. What drove your ethics before? Other than what the motivation is, have your ethics changed much?
ReplyDelete